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How to tell your child that you have cancer

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Telling your child about your cancer diagnosis can be difficult. You may want to protect your child. You may worry about how your child will react. But it is important to be sensitive and honest about what is happening.

Why Kids Need to Know

Cancer is a hard thing to keep secret. Even very young children can sense when something is not right. When children do not know the truth, they fear the worst. In the face of not knowing, your child may think up a story that could be far worse than what is really going on. For example, your child may blame herself that you are sick.

You also risk having your child learn from someone else that you have cancer. This may harm your child's sense of trust. And once you start cancer treatment, you may not be able to hide the side effects from your child.

When to Talk About Your Cancer

Find a quiet time to talk with your child when there are no other distractions. If you have more than one child, you may want to tell each one separately. This will allow you to gauge each child's reaction, tailor the explanations to their age, and answer their questions in private. Your child may also be inhibited from asking questions that are important to them in the presence of a sibling.

When talking about your cancer, start with the facts. These include:

When talking to your children about your treatment, it may help to explain:

You can adjust the amount of detail you give based on your child's age. Children age 8 and younger may not understand complex words about your illness or treatment, so it is best to keep it simple. For example, you can tell them that you are sick and you need treatment to help you get better. Children ages 8 and older may understand a bit more. Encourage your child to ask questions and try to answer them as honestly as you can.

Keep in mind that your children may also hear about cancer from other sources, such as TV, movies, or other kids or adults. It is a good idea to ask what they have heard, so you can make sure they have the right information.

Common Fears

There are some common fears that many children have when they learn about cancer. Since your child may not tell you about these fears, it is a good idea to bring them up yourself.

You may need to repeat these points to your child many times during your treatment.

Ways to Help Your Child Cope

Here are some ways to help your children cope as you go through cancer treatment:

When to Call the Doctor

Many kids are able to cope with a parent's illness without any major problems. But some kids may need extra support. Let your child's doctor know if your child has any of the following behaviors.

These are signs that your child may need a little more help, such as talking with a counselor or other specialists.

References

American Cancer Society website. Helping children when a family member has cancer: dealing with treatment. www.cancer.org/treatment/children-and-cancer/when-a-family-member-has-cancer/dealing-with-treatment.html. Updated April 27, 2015. Accessed June 6, 2022.

ASCO Cancer.Net website. Talking with children about cancer. www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/talking-with-family-and-friends/talking-about-cancer/talking-with-children-about-cancer. Updated August 2019. Accessed June 6, 2022.

National Cancer Institute website. When your parent has cancer: a guide for teens. www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/When-Your-Parent-Has-Cancer.pdf. Updated February 2012. Accessed June 6, 2022.

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Review Date: 1/6/2022  

Reviewed By: Richard LoCicero, MD, private practice specializing in Hematology and Medical Oncology, Longstreet Cancer Center, Gainesville, GA. Review provided by VeriMed Healthcare Network. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, Brenda Conaway, Editorial Director, and the A.D.A.M. Editorial team.

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